This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: October 25, 2019
October 19
Two of these women have been in police custody this week,
— Lee Radziwill (@RadziwillLee) October 19, 2019
and neither of them is Lindsay Lohan. pic.twitter.com/WpvkV19CVS
The four stages of a day off:
— Little Miss Badass (@littlemzbadass) October 19, 2019
1. I will do so much stuff
2. Later I'll do lots of stuff
3. Eventually, I'll do some stuff
4. Oh no.
all I see is hummus https://t.co/0zJnA4oqS2
— Sophia Armen (@SophiaArmen) October 19, 2019
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
— Julian Popov (@julianpopov) October 19, 2019
if your name is Christy and you're fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
— jenn (@jennifer_reber) October 19, 2019
October 20
Boy accidentally
— viralvideos (@BestVideosviral) October 20, 2019
discovers his
superpowers pic.twitter.com/gTUK49cbWh
We know each other. https://t.co/Upn1h8qGYe
— Anthony Jeselnik (@anthonyjeselnik) October 20, 2019
Hillary Clinton is stealing my bit https://t.co/nbCtscZ5Ky
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) October 20, 2019
This is a weird statistic, but also I would read a novel about this woman. pic.twitter.com/ROIQKY7K9t
— Michelle Legro (@michellelegro) October 20, 2019
Im a millennial, i have 4 jobs. I don't need more jobs I need 1 job and goddamn dental care https://t.co/CEmlryj52G
— Scare-oliiine, she's the reason for the word witch (@MissHelveticaB) October 20, 2019
hey remember how disney made a bunch of dogshit, extremely expensive CGI remakes of some beloved classic cartoons and then they all vanished into thin air making no lasting cultural impact? pretty random!
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) October 21, 2019
This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn. pic.twitter.com/4k3pEsnwqS
— Elfy Scott (@elfy_scott) October 20, 2019
October 21
Canada has politics too??? This is fucking bullshit
— pixelatedboat aka "mr tweets" (@pixelatedboat) October 22, 2019
I guess his other shirt, "Build the wall or I'll gargle your balls" was at the drycleaners pic.twitter.com/fyylyIkaDK
— Matt 🎃swalt (@MattOswaltVA) October 21, 2019
me: what makes you angry
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) October 21, 2019
pirate: when someone steals my p
They definitely high as hell pic.twitter.com/RJ95cPN4tw
— Nightmare on Rello Rd. 😱 (@TheDJRello) October 21, 2019
not surprising to this non-scientist https://t.co/VHfeSG7HWP
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) October 21, 2019
welp, we know he's got experience performing as a minority https://t.co/JZdNfPgWn0
— Sunny Dhillon (@TheSunnyDhillon) October 22, 2019
A 39-year-old Dennis Quaid sits outside a hospital's nursery, he's approached by a new father, "Which one is yours?"
— Sean O'Connor (@seanoconnz) October 21, 2019
Dennis points at an adorable newborn, "In 26 years, that one." https://t.co/cKRcSLNSaX
October 22
Whitney Houston. https://t.co/mhF8K7Qldy
— Relato (@Leighratoh) October 22, 2019
Why are the machines STILL trying to kill Sarah Conner? Just go back to the 1890s and kill her grandparents back when everyone had muskets.
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) October 22, 2019
Skynet ain't changed up the offense. They need a new GM. Conner in 5. pic.twitter.com/OBz45EPmJB
Canada woulda never done this shit to Kawhi. https://t.co/wr0Y5H5CUx
— James Keast (@exclaimeditor) October 22, 2019
Ummmm...what if it's in a nice way?? Asking for a friend. https://t.co/DKD3Rhp7qP
— Aaron Paul (@aaronpaul_8) October 22, 2019
My heart is with the Bronx during this difficult time. https://t.co/ZqSyQLxrB4
— Joelle Monique ✍🏾 (@JoelleMonique) October 22, 2019
Despite all my rage I am still https://t.co/uvDFQIv7kM
— Raphael Bob-Waksberg (@RaphaelBW) October 22, 2019
October 23
trumps going to promise to build a wall in every state and then only do a couple just like sufjan stevens
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 24, 2019
NBA basketball is back feel the intensity pic.twitter.com/lQYuKCVyl9
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) October 24, 2019
look how she ate that. https://t.co/a8Np1QPXHY
— jaboukie (@jaboukie) October 23, 2019
.@AOC: Can you explain why you've named a publication with ties to white supremacy as an official fact checker for Facebook?
— manny (@mannyfidel) October 23, 2019
Zuckerberg: pic.twitter.com/dsi5O07pSm
Kyrie counting off all the dudes he just torched pic.twitter.com/FcM3qObxCu
— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) October 24, 2019
Well this is awkward ...Colorado doesn't border Mexico. Good thing Colorado now offers free full day kindergarten so our kids can learn basic geography pic.twitter.com/bEXLDJYUku
— Jared Polis (@GovofCO) October 23, 2019
https://t.co/fmE0hiPLNB pic.twitter.com/gMzNIcl5Qu
— Sen. Patrick Leahy (@SenatorLeahy) October 23, 2019
Joe Rogan: *smokes weed*
— Donavan (Cripp Daddy ♿™) (@RealYungCripp) October 23, 2019
Joe Rogan: so like.. *cough cough* is the government actually corrupt?
Edward Snowden: yes
Guy Powerlifting in Planet Fitness: damn bro, that's fucked...
October 24
Adding another comma to this lyric turns it into an animated movie.
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) October 24, 2019
"Sing us a song, you're the piano, man."
That is because he went home. https://t.co/JnFXRXyLSP
— Ken Marino (@KenMarino) October 24, 2019
"Cock a doodle do"
— Ayn Randy (@ItsAndyRyan) October 24, 2019
– Yoda teaching a life drawing class
I think this brother right here walked right past McConnell and did NOT shake his hand!!! Wow! @DrJasonJohnson @Bakari_Sellers @angela_rye @CNN @rolandsmartin pic.twitter.com/dkSyeLjPtp
— Moni jay (@akajd31) October 24, 2019
this is over 2 minutes of me doing standup AND it's subtitled, so don't say I never did anything nice for you ok pic.twitter.com/hIE3pVuGw9
— Ginny Hogan (@ginnyhogan_) October 25, 2019
October 25
LOT of kids are going to be in therapy in a few years like 'So my parents posted videos of me just for LIKES?!'
— Nathan Macintosh (@Nathanmacintosh) October 25, 2019
Butt His Voicemails. https://t.co/1TXzcAxnXR
— Jon Favreau (@jonfavs) October 25, 2019
this is the best video ive ever seen pic.twitter.com/hmWsGpC4cW
— boo (@lollypopthot) October 25, 2019
Imagine you're a man, and you're in a room with a known rapist, and then you boo a woman for pointing out there's a rapist in the room. That's basically the best metaphor for how America handles literally everything that I can think of.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) October 25, 2019
Man knows. https://t.co/irCdCX0uS9
— Sleaford Mods (@sleafordmods) October 25, 2019
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
— dad tired (@markpopham) October 25, 2019
Does anyone have any extra Marijuana spoons pic.twitter.com/9rPsu7QbQv
— Liv (@LivPosting) October 25, 2019
When you introduce your girl to the homies & they start being funnier than usual
— Currymuncher (@Currymuncher00) October 25, 2019
pic.twitter.com/XJz7D9vGpT
Kanye made an album for those American missionaries who get killed trying to disturb isolated tribes
— Zito (@_Zeets) October 25, 2019