This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: August 31, 2019
August 24
They got a lil area you can cool ya dick off in when the game makes you mad https://t.co/d0sq7R6bdJ
— Kae 🌸 (@Iammkae) August 24, 2019
Not only is Andrew Luck retiring from the NFL, he's also going to be killed by OJ Simpson. https://t.co/LbdcuMliyd
— drew (@ndyWillis) August 25, 2019
Never take a photo of a cat shaking it's head... pic.twitter.com/zvfNeKMpxs
— JLT (@jasonleetimson) August 24, 2019
I have this working theory that Jeff Goldblum isn't actually human. He's just this very chic alien who is doing, like, a so-so job of fitting in on our planet and everyone's okay with it. https://t.co/HMEEOaJkOv
— Geraldine (@everywhereist) August 24, 2019
I'm calling the FBI pic.twitter.com/X2jIlJmfEt
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) August 24, 2019
August 25
I can't stop laughing at this pic.twitter.com/GQSE0wxPtr
— evening all day long (@andrewneville) August 25, 2019
NFL players: "Andrew Luck is a warrior. I get why he quit."
— Kyle Madson (@KyleAMadson) August 25, 2019
Tom, your neighbor who hires someone to cut his grass: "Andrew Luck is soft!"
This is the hardest man I've ever seen in my life pic.twitter.com/muRQGCDPF9
— Kenjac (@JackKennedy) August 25, 2019
turned the photo of Justin Trudeau, Melania Trump, and Donald Trump into a Harlequin novel cover pic.twitter.com/IOJpaxc9dn
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) August 25, 2019
This is quite literally the plot of Sharknado. https://t.co/EGALdrXBFJ
— Natalie Martinez (@natijomartinez) August 25, 2019
when u ask a 5 year old about paw patrol pic.twitter.com/akGjao5CXl
— princess egg (@lilliesuperstar) August 25, 2019
when u ask ur boyfriend to buy u tampons pic.twitter.com/FmcKUGGkrG
— Brogan (@broganpaget) August 25, 2019
I'm screamingggg😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/Wdd9GbR6mS
— Brenda🇳🇬 (@naijaDoll_) August 25, 2019
The 19 times Serena won. https://t.co/khyAWw0SYI
— Victoria M. Walker (@vikkie) August 25, 2019
Someone vandalized the Bernier sign last night. #cdnpoli pic.twitter.com/cJHn41V6L5
— Sleepy Rob (@sleepyrobanders) August 25, 2019
August 26
This might be the best video on the Internet right now. pic.twitter.com/6AyR6hricX
— Blattman (@davidblattman) August 27, 2019
Technically Britney brought a snake twice. Here's the one from 2000 https://t.co/y3bNsmS3jn pic.twitter.com/Ml8ew1Xfdm
— Phillip Henry (@MajorPhilebrity) August 26, 2019
They said 'Trump' and he said No, YOU!
— Hotep Jesus (@HotepJesus) August 26, 2019
Few things illustrate 2019 so well. 😂 https://t.co/jPpELlrjjK
Thank you for all the valuable tips on how to spend my chuckle budget, Comedy Consumer Reports pic.twitter.com/IvAnAJriy6
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 26, 2019
God bless whoever did this. pic.twitter.com/TxpsJLcU9v
— JLegally (@j_legally) August 26, 2019
fellas is it gay to see https://t.co/bZlLlKfE4I
— logic luther king (@jaboukie) August 26, 2019
August 27
What kind of bird is this? pic.twitter.com/TSm5ynOPTO
— Dave M (@SpotTheLoon2010) August 27, 2019
here's some kittens playing on a wrestlemania toy ring
— keat (@keatxngrant) August 27, 2019
ur welcome pic.twitter.com/iZYV0PZxY9
'no worries if not!' I type, with full knowledge that, if not, I will worry
— martha knight (@marthonite) August 27, 2019
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
— infinity + 1 (@stuckinaportal) August 27, 2019
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
me to my software update notifications pic.twitter.com/32UW1BtmWY
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) August 28, 2019
friend: come to the show tonight
— Mikjäll Jönsson (@mikejonesfl) August 27, 2019
the show tonight: pic.twitter.com/4jN1bxazd7
hsjsjsjdjddkdjdjdj pic.twitter.com/8RzTdx0SVK
— maddy hive president. (@drizzyxcole) August 27, 2019
August 28
a tropical storm BEARING MY MOTHER'S NAME is heading for the beach where my dad is supposed to get married this weekend
— Meaghan O'Connell (@meaghano) August 28, 2019
Happy Hump Day!💪😊😉 pic.twitter.com/SGBXOf6TtZ
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) August 28, 2019
Technology was a mistake pic.twitter.com/kAhtNApv44
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) August 28, 2019
90s band: we got picked up by a major label
— D🌑CFUTURE (@topherflorence) August 28, 2019
90s fans: fuck you sellout
10s band: this cover of a song from moana is sponsored by flamin hot werther's originals
10s fans: honestly iconic we stan sponsored kings lets get this to 10 million views i almost feel like i'm making money
He's been peeing like this since he was a pup... he's 9 pic.twitter.com/obY46EUTI2
— Jay (@jayyy_89) August 29, 2019
when you think your dog is barking at nothing, he's actually barking at climate change
— socialist dog facts (@SocDogFacts) August 28, 2019
This photo has been brought to my attention. pic.twitter.com/yk1kjjHF4H
— sign ron baker to a max contract (@mankattan) August 29, 2019
some quick vocal warmups to do before a first date pic.twitter.com/neyOtGhGmH
— Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) August 28, 2019
why have I never thought of this before
— Sean Murray (@NoMansSky) August 28, 2019
pic.twitter.com/KIBU7sWXLe
August 29
🎶Cheeto Christ...Cheeto Christ...He's like if Jesus were pumpkin-spiced...🎶🙌 #CheetoChrist #StupidCzar #TheChosenOne pic.twitter.com/MbkuXtulKw
— Randy Rainbow (@RandyRainbow) August 29, 2019
Drug dealer: if you're a cop, you have to tell me
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) August 29, 2019
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Diana was murdered and this is still the worst thing anyone's ever done to her https://t.co/ty3ZAqdzxv
— Rosie (@rosieb_98) August 29, 2019
Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours
— Pre K ❄️ (@stayfrea_) August 29, 2019
The driver of jfk's car sees everyone screaming and is like did I hit a squirrel
— john is toast (@johnistoasted) August 29, 2019
PSA: Florida Residents Reminded Not To Open Fire on #HurricaneDorian pic.twitter.com/HenIFJSr0e
— Breaking911 (@Breaking911) August 29, 2019
I think we can all agree that this is a fine headline https://t.co/WLbsWomvnj
— Stephen Fry (@stephenfry) August 29, 2019
August 30
Did he report them and then did Twitter say they did not violate their terms of service? https://t.co/pEdgLgEDyj
— haunted dog (@zandywithaz) August 30, 2019
"Wait, wait, wait, what the fuck are we doing?" - any printer any time you click print
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) August 30, 2019
love when parents announce the inch length of their newborn like it's a largemouth bass
— slug ☭ (@generalslug) August 30, 2019
My friend got a degree in egyptology, but can't get a job, So he's paying more money to get a Phd, so he can work teaching other people egyptology. In his case college is literally a pyramid scheme.
— Katie Hannigan (@katiehannigan) August 30, 2019